Non-religious funerals or memorials
A celebration of a life
Most of us want to mark important events in our lives, and to
commemorate people we have loved when they die. For those of us with no
religious belief it’s important that we do so with honesty, warmth and
affection, using words and music that are personal and appropriate to the lives
of the people involved.
A humanist funeral ceremony is dignified,
personal and appropriate to the person whose life is to be celebrated. The funeral can take place in a crematorium, cemetery or woodland burial ground. Memorials take place in the setting of your choice. Ashes scattering ceremonies can also be arranged.
'...May I thank you on behalf of all the family, for your kindness and professionalism throughout.'
'Thank you so much for
such a fitting and well conducted funeral service. Gramps would have been
delighted with it.'
Personalised
I will meet you to talk through the kind of ceremony you envisage, or we can communicate by phone or email to plan the ceremony. I offer suggestions, and can advise on poetry and prose, readings and
music, and assist with planning an order of service.
I will make myself available to you in the days before the funeral for advice and guidance and will ensure that the words in the ceremony are accurate and that the tone is suitable for you.
What might others think?
You will want the ceremony you choose to be right and appropriate for your loved one. You need not be concerned that anything in the ceremony might offend anyone who perhaps feels uneasy about a non-religious funeral. A quiet period of silence or music is always included for reflection or private prayer.
Humanist ceremonies focus on the life that has ended but are not in any way hostile to religious beliefs. Although non-religious, celebrants always aim to
create a ceremony that is inclusive and respectful of cultural traditions.
'I would like to thank you for leading my son's funeral with such panache. The
general opinion by the congregation was that it was terrific, this even voiced
by staunch Roman Catholics!'
Participation
The more participation there is by family and friends, the richer the ceremony. Although it can feel impossible at first, many people find they are able to stand up, sometimes in pairs, and say the words they have written or read a poem, and they feel pleased to have done so.The decision to do so can be left till the last minute and I am always happy to read for people.
We can also sing along to a CD, or organ (hymns are not uncommon as they have cultural resonance, and often mean something to a generation brought up that way).
We can all say a secular blessing together.
'I can never thank you enough for your wonderful
presentation of the celebration for my wife. Your organisation of the Service was not only professional, but so sensitive
to all our feelings. Your kindness and patience with all the contributors was most
appreciated.'
Script to keep
Before the funeral I devote time to preparing the ceremony with care, and sometimes to writing the tribute from the information the family has given me. After the funeral I give the family a presentation copy of the ceremony script to keep.
Hospice visiting
I visit people in palliative care units or
hospices, or nursing homes who wish to talk to someone who is non-religious, or who wish
to plan their funeral. Contact me to discuss.
'...It has been
a privilege to know you at this sad time for me and I do feel that I can now
move forward as I felt today I had closure.'
'We had so many people come to us and say that it
was the loveliest service they had ever attended and how proud they thought Mum
would be. It was an absolute pleasure to celebrate Mum's life and your approach and
sensitivity really did make the afternoon so very special.'
'At our
reception I heard at least six people say that was the sort of service
they would want to have and [John], bless him, said he was putting his name down
for you to do his!'
'Thank
you so much for the wonderful funeral, Rosemary. All our friends remarked on
how well you had captured Mum's personality, and there were bits of her life
story that were news to people who had known her for decades.'
'As I am sure you know, it is
a great consolation to the family to give someone a 'good send off', and you
can be justly proud of your role in a job well done.'
'Your compassion and empathy
was palpable - so many people commented on how wonderful the service was. It
could have been anyone on that list on the website but I am so glad it was you.'
Contact & fees
Please
contact me with queries and to find out my availability for a funeral, ashes scattering or memorial ceremony.
For a funeral, you will also need to contact a funeral director who will engage my services.
In
line with the British Humanist Association agreed fee structure, my
usual fee is £170. If the ceremony is not local, travel expenses are
charged on an individual basis.
I contribute a percentage of each ceremony fee received
to the BHA as a levy towards celebrants’ training and quality standards and to the
promotion and development of the BHA’s Humanist Ceremonies network.
A typical order of ceremony in a crematorium:
- Introductory music that is meaningful to the person or family
- Thoughts on life and death - from a non-religious perspective
- The tribute - the heart of the ceremony. An honest and warm outline of the life and personality of the deceased. Readings of poetry or prose may be included and contributions from family and friends are encouraged. Anecdotes and humour are most welcome!
- Private reflection - a chance to remember the person according to your own beliefs. Either in silence or accompanied by peaceful music
- Saying goodbye - the committal: in a crematorium everyone stands, words of farewell are said, everyone perhaps says a blessing together, as the curtains close or the coffin is lowered.
- Saying goodbye with flowers: the coffin remains on view, and you make a personal farewell by placing flowers or greenery such as a sprig of rosemary for remembrance on the coffin during reflection music or at the end of the ceremony as you leave.
- Final music that is uplifting
Burials
Burials follow the same format, but the committal happens at the graveside. Flowers or mementoes can be brought to throw into the grave in a final farewell.
'....without
exception, the praise for the whole thing, from the beginning to the laying of
rosemary on the coffin, was unanimous in praise. Several who attended said that
this type of service was to be held for them at their time. '
A few poems
Life Goes On - Joyce Grenfell
If I should go
before the rest of you
Break not a
flower
Nor inscribe a
stone
Nor when I am
gone
Speak in a
Sunday voice
But be the
usual selves
That I have
known
Weep if you
must
Parting is
hell
But life goes
on
So .... sing
as well
~
Farewell My Friends- Rabindranath Tagore
It was beautiful as long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets whatsoever
save the pain I'll leave behind.
Those dear hearts who love and care...
And the strings pulling at the heart and soul...
The strong arms that held me up
When my own strength let me down.
At every turning of my life I came across good friends,
Friends who stood by me,
Even when the time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell my friends,
I smile and bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears for I need them not -
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad, do think of me
for that's what I'll like.
When you live in the hearts
Of those you love, remember then,
You never die.
~
Because You Have Lived - Anon
To laugh often and much.
To win the respect of intelligent people, and
the affection of children.
To earn the appreciation of honest critics.
To appreciate beauty.
To find the best in others.
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
or a garden patch.
To know even one life has breathed easier
Because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded
~
Cicero
Even when a
friend is dead, she is still alive. She is alive because her friends still
cherish her and remember her; and long for her. This means there is happiness
even in her death – she ennobles the existence of those who are left behind.
~
And for someone gone too soon.....?
C. Day Lewis
His laughter
was better than birds in the morning, his smile
Turned the edge
of the wind, his memory
Disarms death
and charms the surly grave.
Early he went
to bed, too early we
Saw his light
put out;
yet we could not grieve more that a little while,
For he lives in
the earth around us,
laughs from the sky.
